You Can Run, But You Can't Hide

House of Cards was a movie in the 90s with Kathleen Turner and Tommy Lee Jones. Kathleen Turner played the part of a mother who's young daughter was traumatized when she saw her father fall to his death. The little girl starts to display unusual behavior and so her mother takes her to see an expert in autism, played by Tommy Lee Jones. One scene in the movie has the little girl in a room while being observed by the expert. She is painting her arm instead of the paper on the table. Someone comes rushing into the room due to an emergency with another patient and so the expert runs out of the room. Upon his return, he notices that the little girl is not there. He immediately goes into the room where she was painting, looks all around but does not see her and starts to go out the door. However, he stops and turns around. There is a large tree outside the window and he can just barely see the outline of the little girl in front of the tree. She painted her entire body, blending in with the tree.

I couldn't help but cry out "That's me!" When I saw that scene. I never wanted anyone to see me. I always tried to be invisible. I even tried to hide from God. It's not difficult to be unnoticeable with people but you can't hide from God.

You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways,

Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.

You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"

even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, God. How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand -- when I awake, I am still with you.

Psalms 139:1-18

It can be scary to think to think that there is no place to hide from God; that he knows everything about you. I find this Psalm to be comforting. I don't want people to know me. I don't want them to see the real me. But God He knows all about me. He knows the real me and He loves me so much that He sent His Son to die for me.

One is the Loneliest Number

The other night someone told me that they didn’t know how I did it; that they were really impressed with me. “Hmmm how so” I asked only to find out it had to do with living alone. Living alone apparently = loneliness. The more they went on about being alone, the more depressed I became. Having been only “me” for so long and not “us” I realized I ...had taken my oneness for granted.

Seriously, though, I do get lonely at times but you can be lonely with two or three or 500 people around you. I have always been a “loner”. For goodness sake I’m an introvert! I often joke that “I live in my own little world” but “that’s okay because they know me here.” 
Okay so I’m not really “alone”; I have two handsome dudes that live with me, Cody and Charlie. No person can top the greeting I get from those two guys whenever I come home! They share in my happiness; they comfort me when I’m sick or sad. It only takes a tail thump to remind me that I am not by myself.
And then, of course, there’s someone else who tops even the best doggie kisses. He’s always there for me. For example several years back I was facing a drastic job change; unemployment. I wasn’t taking it too well. Months earlier I had lost two of my dogs. It was not a good year. I came home from choir practice this one particular night very down. I even wrote a poem. Those creative juices just seem to flow when I’m sad. Not that they’re good or anything. I wrote a short little verse.
         "When it’s quiet and the lights are out,
           The loneliness and the fear steps in.
           It only takes a little doubt,
           And then the tears begin."
That night I had tried to go to sleep but the eyes would not close or the mind stop thinking. I thought about how in a few months I would be out of work and facing the age of 60. I thought about how many other people were already out of work and how difficult it would be for me to find a job. I thought about what I had planned to do when I finally retired. Could I start those plans early? But what if I failed? I thought about losing my home and everything I had worked so hard for. I had struggled all my life. I thought my struggling years were over. I cried and cried and cried some more. I couldn’t stop crying. Then a faithful God reminded me of a time I cried in fear as a young child crouched under my school desk during an air-raid drill. He reminded me of the time my husband was arrested and sent to prison. He reminded me of the time my father-in-law told me that his eight-week old grandson and I were no longer welcomed in his home. He reminded me of the days I had no money for food. He reminded me when I lost my husband to someone else. He reminded of the difficulties my son and I faced. He reminded me when I lost someone very close to suicide. He reminded me that during each and every time He was there for me. I could not have faced life without His strength to get me through a moment let alone a day. It was that strength that got me through that time in my life and all the other times before and all the times that are ahead of me now.
Loneliness comes from fear. I am not alone. Do not be sad for me. Nor be impressed with me. For the great I AM is the one who completes me and makes me more than just one.

The LORD is my light and my salvation. Whom shall I fear? The LORD is the strength of my life. Of whom shall I be afraid. Psalm 27:1 (HNV)
October 23, 2012